Reading The Bible. The Book of Samuel: It's All That.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 2:57PM | by Otter 
Guido Reni’s David and Abigail. I find the lady unbecomingly lacking in mischief.The fabulous Caitkitt on Twitter writes,
The guy sitting next to me in the NYPL is watching AND LAUGHING AT animated Bible stories. Delilah is hilarious…?
Well… yeah. Yeah, she sorta is.
But I think I’ll take up the gauntlet for this idea that the Bible is a little wicked.
In what follows it’s impossible not to notice that the really interesting stuff is triggered by those ultimate tricksters of the biblical literature: women.
They’re unpredictable, sassy, witty, and dangerous. And funny as hell, and I think meant to be funny as hell.
Let’s start with David’s women.
The Book of Samuel (originally one book, broken into two for technical reasons) is written as a piece of political propaganda, the message of which is, “Support the Davidic Dynasty Or Suffer All Kinds of Very-Bad.”
There’s lots of ambiguity and double meaning in the text, though, perhaps in-jokes, or tips of the hat to local politics. Most surprisingly, though, there’s a lot of satire in it.
1 Samuel 25:1-44 tells a great story of what happens when David runs what has all the appearance of a protection racket.
To summarize, you have Abigail (played by Angelina Jolie) married to Nabal (whose name means “Fool,” played by Danny Devito). 
Now THAT’S a biblical Abigail. Maybe a trifle too dark…? I suppose, but don’t bring me Kirsten Dunst or anything sweetly naive or I’ll hurl you out of the studio.
Anybody can tell you in the first three minutes of that movie that there’s going to have to be a reorientation of these relationships before the end of the tale. There’s a lack of balance.
Pity da fool.
David, played by Jude Law, sends messengers to Nabal to demand that he pony up some grub and wine on a feast-day, because, well, hey, nothing bad has happened to your stuff… yet. Nabal reacts, I think, quite sensibly, demanding, “WTF? Who is David? Who is this guy?”
But any viewer watching this movie knows that the quickest way to doom yourself is by not knowing who the real hero of the story is. Thus, Nabal is a fool, and will have to pay the heavy price for asking what is, after all, a reasonable question.
David’s reaction is typical gangsta. Every man is to strap on his sword and head down to Nabal’s estate, where, the Hebrew idiom has it, he will not leave alive “any one who pisses against a wall,” that is, any males.
How does our audience react to Jude Law, coming down like a tornado on Danny Devito?
Well, if we analyze the justice of the thing, we are making allowances for him because it’s in our nature to make moral adjustments for our heroes. James Bond may seduce and abandon women, Neo Anderson may open up with automatic weapons on crowded streets, Bugs Bunny may drop the anvil on Elmer Fudd, and Yogi Bear can practice picanick basket thievery that would end up (for anyone else) in donations to the FBI DNA database.
Har. It amuses us.
And it does here, too.
And to be sure that our sympathies (and the major themes of Samuel) don’t slip away from David, Abigail comes down all hot and wise with Lots of Stuff.
The Law of the LORD is perfect. “She can’t mean…? Does she mean…? I think she means…!”
The ambiguities in her speech are worth noting.
EXT. MOUNTAIN PATH - DAY
DAVID at head of LARGE HORDE OF WARRIORS looking all bent out of shape.
ABIGAIL on donkey, at head of SMALL GROUP OF SERVANTS with STUFF.
ABIGAIL gets to ground, bows before DAVID, who is all eyes.
ABIGAIL
My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name is Fool, and folly goes with him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent.
DAVID almost speaks, thinks better of it, shuts up, and motions for her to go on.
ABIGAIL
(With growing meaning)
Now since Yahweh has kept you, my master, from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, as surely as Yahweh lives and as you live, may your enemies and all who intend to harm my master be like Nabal.
DAVID
(Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO, his aide)
How is Nabal? Like him… in what way?
BARISHBONZO
(Whispers Aside to DAVID)
I think she means, “About to die.”
DAVID and BARISHBONZO nod. DAVID motions for ABIGAIL to continue.
ABIGAIL
(With growing meaning, and giving DAVID looks banned in Boston)
And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my master, be given to the men who follow you. Please forgive your servant’s offense, for… um… well, see, Yahweh will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my master, because he fights Yahweh’s battles. Let no wrongdoing be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my master will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by Yahweh, your God. But the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling.
DAVID
(Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO, his aide)
Does she mean…?
BARISHBONZO
(Nodding. Whispers Aside to DAVID)
Pretty much. You can’t be king if you murder people. She’s expressing, uh, confidence that you will be avenged without incurring bloodguilt.
DAVID
(Astonished, turned on, excitable. Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO)
She thinks of everything. Oh, I like her!
ABIGAIL
(With growing meaning, and going all LILIAN GISH on DAVID)
When Yahweh has done for my master every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him leader over Israel, my master will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself.
DAVID
(Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO, his aide)
Avenge myself? I can’t avenge myslf, Barishbonzo? Why can’t I avenge myself, Barishbonzo?
BARISHBONZO
(Nodding. Whispers Aside to DAVID)
Plausible deniability. I’ll explain later.
ABIGAIL
And when Yahweh has brought my master success, remember your servant.
DAVID
(Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO, his aide)
What did she say?
BARISHBONZO
(Nodding. Whispers Aside to DAVID)
“You’re going to be king. Call me.”
DAVID
(Whispers Aside to BARISHBONZO, his aide)
But she’s married, Barishbonzo. She’s married! Isn’t she married, Barishbonzo?
BARISHBONZO
(Nodding. Whispers Aside to DAVID)
I expect the lady is shortly expecting a divorce of sorts. If I take her meaning, it will be fairly permanent.
Poor Danny Devito. You should go read the aftermath.
Well, what the text says is, “Yahweh struck him and he died,” but the only witness to this was Our Girl Abigail, who is a bit of a winner in my book.
So yes, I think laughing at Bible stories is right.
And just good fun.
Too much reverence spoils a good book, and means you’ll end up reading its messages through a clenched sphincter and missing whatever mighty things it wants to say.
Reader Comments (5)
I'm glad I'm not the only one who laughs at the OT. Jonah is my favorite. He's hysterically funny.
Well that was entertaining. Much better than reading the real thing! <laughing>
Looks like you have another book to write.
PS Who is going to play Barishbonzo?
I guess my point is, it's all already in there!
Steve Buscemi, I think.... That will take some brief rescripting, but it'll work.
I was picturing Giovanni Ribisi if you wanted to give the character a slightly dazed + odd + the "possible psycho" edge, if needed. I like your choice better, though.
This was fun. You should write another OT story up like this again sometime. You could recast Jolie in the role of Delilah, but I think Michelle Pfeiffer would make better work of it.