Saints Express Sympathy as Lions Wide Receiver Calvin "Megatron" Johnson Goes Missing
Sunday, January 8, 2012 at 10:25AM | by Otter 
Calvin Johnson: The wide receiver, who was hurled by the gods from Olympus two seasons ago to wander among mortals performing heroic feats, has gone missing. New Orleans Saints officials call the apparent abduction “A damn shame,” and speculate about motive and method.Superhuman Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson has been kidnapped just hours after his amazing performance in a playoff game against the New Orleans Saints at the Volvo Superdome. Johnson had dominated the Saints secondary, but apparently was kidnapped by a person or persons unknown.
New Orleans police chief R. Serpas, looking grave at a press conference, said, “We are doing everything we can to find Megatron. We will not rest until this case is solved.”
Asked if there are any leads in the case, Serpas answered, “There is one thing. A hand-lettered note telling the Detroit Lions to leave Johnson’s contract in a plain paper bag under the concession counter in the Superdome Terrace level.”
Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford issued a statement saying, “This organization will not be blackmailed. We will have the most dynamic player in the NFL back again in the Fall. But we will not negotiate with scoundrels.”
Saints owner Tom Benson and General Manager Mickey Loomis issued a statement that expressed sympathy to the Lions on their sad loss. “At the same time,” the statement read, “we feel that the word ‘scoundrels’ should be used more advisedly.”
New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and quarterback Drew Brees were asked about Johnson’s disappearance at a post-game press conference.
“I haven’t heard anything about it,” said a stony-faced Payton. “Really, I don’t even know the guy. You hear anything about Calvin… what was the name? Calvin Johnson going missing, Drew?”
“Me? No. I’ve been in the bathroom since the game. I don’t know anything about it. But he’s the best wide receiver since Jerry Rice. Probably better. Any quarterback would be totally happy to have him. I mean, personally, I’d really love to have him with the Saints.”
Drew Brees at press conference demonstrates to reporters how a powerful sedative might be administered from behind to render the Mighty Calvin Johnson powerless to resist abductors, who might then keep him in captivity until his contract could be renegotiated.
“Yeah,” said Payton. “Johnson sort of would be a natural fit in our system, which is based around making opposing defenses feel like nursing home refugees. What a thought, huh? Some guys sitting around having a few beers after practice could really get obsessed with getting Johnson here to New Orleans.”
“Right,” said Brees looking thoughtful. “Have they found any evidence?” he asked reporters. “No? Oh, well, that’s good… I mean good for the perpetrators. Not good for Johnson or the Lions, which are a fine team. It’s a shame.”
“A damned shame,” agreed Payton. “I guess somebody used chloroform on him.”
“Or a really powerful sedative,” suggested Brees. “Something.”
“But whoever they are, these guys wouldn’t leave any evidence or anything. Right?”
“No, no,” Brees said quickly. “They’d want to be really careful about that. Naturally I speak for the whole team when I say we sympathize with the Lions. Next question.”
Told of Payton and Brees remarks, Serpas seemed to contradict his earlier statements. “Brees and Payton? They said that? Actually, we’re thinking of closing this case pretty soon for lack of evidence. We’re telling the Lions we recommend they meet the kidnappers’ demands. These things rarely end well. But maybe with luck he’ll turn up. Somewhere…. playing next to Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, Jimmy Graham… catching passes from Drew Brees… Wow… that’d be a team nobody on earth could beat. It’s awful to think about.”
Reader Comments (4)
Hahahaha! Yeah, that'd be easier than the Lions kidnapping the whole Saints offense. Maybe we could sneak in and change their jerseys to Lions-Blue and Silver until everybody thought they were the Lions... awesome.
....meanwhile, in a parking lot on Michigan Avenue in between the Tel-Way burger joint and Walgreens (which has a Detroit Police substation), three mysterious hooded figures conspired with a pale snake-like man. "Well done," the Dark Lord hissed. The night deepened as he laughed his mirthless laugh.
"Now, we take care of that Rogers. Get me some Twizzlers."
Dude, you make me laugh so much...
If Drew can get away with murder, kidnapping is no problem. And who wouldn't prefer to live in New Orleans over Detroit?